Denial Isn't a River in Egypt
by Ceriadara
Summary: All that matters is that I want to reach out and pull him close and never let him go. ...What the HELL? KaRe shonenai, possibly YuBo
1. My Big Fat Ego

**Denial Isn't a River in Egypt**

_By: Ceriadara_

* * *

All that matters is that I want to reach out and pull him close and never let him go. ..._What _the _HELL?! _KaRe shonen-ai, possibly YuBo

* * *

A/N Ahhh, I'm such a horrible person. TT-TT 

I really, really, really, really, REALLY should not be writing this story...I have my other stories to update and elaborate on and stuff. But I'm still writing. Dammit.

So yah. I've tried writing first-person Rei; now I'll let Kai try his hand at being narrator. Before you read, I apologize for him being so OOC (I think. You'll just have to judge for yourself). Now onto something entirely different: the story will only have YuBo and actual shonen-ai instead of just hints if I continue this fic. It's up to the readers to decide. If the majority of reviews say I should stop, I will. If it's vice verse, then I'll keep writing. 'Kay?

-Management

P.S. Oh! This fanfic is dedicated to the lovely **Kitten Koneko, **who has been incredibly kind to me with her wonderful PMs. Thanks so much!

* * *

Chapter One: My Big Fat Ego

* * *

I can't remember running from anything before. 

I mean, I've backed out of deals once or twice, I've left behind a lot of people, I've betrayed some close friends, but I've never actually run away from a fear or a problem. I never run away from home when my parents argue; I never run away from the challenges handed to me. Because that's just how I am.

So why am I running from this?

This...this feeling. I know that I'm this cold jerk, but I'm not afraid of feelings... Maybe it's the fact that it's unknown...that could be why I'm running. But no, that doesn't make sense. I've a ton of natural curiosty, and it would never allow me to run away from something new without discovering what it is.

I don't know how to explain it. It's awkward and somewhat confusing and saddening at the worst of times, and giddy and laughter-inducing at the best. It's caused endless frustration, awkward small talk, angry tears, and quiet smiles. Nothing has ever drawn quite that range of emotion from me; I wasn't even sure I was capable of feeling such lengths. And yet here I am, dissecting myself to try to figure out what the hell this thing is and why I'm running.

I don't think that it's love or anything like that. Come on. In almost every novel or poem or piece of bloody fanfiction that I've ever read, love is described as something so "beautiful and light and wonderfully shiny" or some such nonsense, and that's definitely not what this is. This...it's frustrating, quiet, and incredibly difficult to decipher.

Not to mention that the person that induces this feeling certainly doesn't fit the description of the "crush" or "love-interest". Yes, he's...well, beautiful, and I'm most definitly not the first to admit it, but other than that, nothing else works. In all previously stated examples, the love interest is, if submissive or uke or whatever, very meek and quiet, humble and withdrawn, shy and blushing and very "damsel-in-distress"-ish. Him...he almost seems like he'd be submissive at first glance, but he's very strong and has confident opinions. He's humble enough, true, but he's definitly not afraid to speak his mind when the moment calls for it. He was only a little shy, and he got over it (I think).

According to all of the "data" I've collected, the interest's smiles are supposed to "shine brilliantly"; the one with feelings is supposed to have a heart that "beats wildly against the chest" whenever the interest is in range; there are no truly awkward moments, just perfectly orchestrated fumbling in the dark. That's literature for you.

His smiles don't "shine brilliantly"; they glow softly. My heart doesn't suddenly go into cardiac arrest when he comes into view, although I'm rather more attentive when he's in my line of sight, and I've been known to stare at him for increasingly long periods of time. And there are _plently_ of non-orchestrated, entirely uncomfortable awkward moments, especially when we're forced to share hotel rooms.

And then there are the dreams.

Now, according to those trashy little novels that they sell at Wal-Mart (I'm a big reader; I have to buy something when I've read everything else. Don't judge me.), when you have dreams about the person you love, they're generally called "wet dreams" and contain some erotic material of some sort.

It's not that I've never had any of those about him or anything, but I don't think that there's any bisexual/gay (I'm firmly the former) man that can say that they haven't. Like I said, he's beautiful. But the strange thing is is that in most of my dreams, it's just normal, every-day stuff. Kind of. Like, I'll watch him cooking or something, and I'll wrap my arms around him and just hug him. That's all. Maybe a light kiss on the cheek. Sometimes I dream that I'm holding him while he reads or something.

So what does it mean? Do I just want a deeper friendship with him, maybe? Yeah. That's probably it.

And I mean, there are some people who believe that erotic dreams just symbolize the want to grow closer to the person. It's logical, especially since our friendship has been drifting apart ever since the awkwardness and the running away from whatever the hell this feeling is began. Maybe I just want the closeness we had back in our lives again. He was practically my best friend, and he'd flat-out told me that I was his. So now it all makes sense.

"Penny for your thoughts, Kai?"

And now it doesn't.

Because, you see, every time he says something, every time I see him, every time he does something that's just so totally _him_, I get that feeling again, and the dreams don't matter anymore. All that matters is that I want to reach out and pull him close and never let him go. ..._What _the _HELL?!_

This isn't supposed to happen to me. I'm supposed to be cold, logical, and calculating. I'm supposed to dissect this feeling so thoroughly that its signficance fades into nothingness, and then I can go on with my life.

Only I'm not. I'm not cold and logical and calculating and cruel and a horrible person with a terrible past. I'm emotional, overly so sometimes. I'm illogical at times, ranting to myself about everything and nothing. I only calculate in beybattles, and other than that I'm mostly spontaneous. I'm not cruel; I'm a freaking closet animal lover. And I have no terrible past: I grew up with fighting parents who eventually got divorced, just like hundreds of thousands of other kids.

And I can't dissect this goddamn feeling because it's too complicated and I keep running away because my curiosty failed me and I'm terrified of this unknown thing that's creeping into me.

There. I said it.

I'm afraid.

It's a scary feeling. It swoops and soars and laughs and crys and screams, and I can't control it, which scares me most of all. I'm _always_ in control. What is this thing, to come in and direct my actions and words and thoughts? And I can be the biggest smart-ass in the world about it, but it won't change the fact that I don't know what it is and I don't know what to do about it.

I shake my head. "It's nothing, Rei."

It's everything, Rei.

You're everything.

Dammit.

* * *

I'm in the shower of our _shared_ hotel room (goddamn cheap BBA). ...How do I end up with him as a roommate? 

Not that I'd choose anyone else, mind you. My choices are fairly limited as it is; on one hand we've got Mr. I-Ate-Five-Cans-of-Refried-Beans a.k.a. Sir Snoresalot, Sugardaddy, or SuperNerd, while on the other hand we've got friendy, beautiful, non-gaseous/snoring/hyped up Rei. Who would you choose? But really. I don't recall ever saying, "I'll stay with Rei". I don't recall Rei ever saying, "I'll stay with Kai". Ah, well. I should know better than to complain about things I can't (and wouldn't) change.

But anyway.

I'm in the shower, currently, and as far as I know Rei is still reading my copy of _Anna Karenina_ on the couch. I have to say, the guy's got good taste in literature...which means that he has the same as mine, which means that he reads practically anything. During the better days of our friendship, I recall him sniggering at my collection of trashy sex novels before I pointed out that he had a stash of some seriously heavy NC-17-rated yaoi manga stuffed in a bag under his bed. He didn't snigger after that, although I did.

And yes, I said "better days". Like I said earlier, our friendship has just gone downhill since this whole feeling thing started. I mean, every time I'm around him I can barely control my tongue, and when he gets tired of basically one-sided conversation, we lapse into these really, really awkward silences. The only other time we ever had an awkward silence was when I walked in on him in the shower. I didn't see anything aside from his wet shoulders, and I quickly left. We didn't speak for the next few days, and he turned red as a cherry whenever he met my eyes. When I finally broke the silence to assure him I'd seen nothing, everything went back to being okay.

But, really. Rei...he was probably one of the best friends I'll ever have. Yuri and Boris and Ivan and Sergei...they're all great. But I'll never really understand what they went through, just like they'll never really understand how so many pampered teenagers can complain about their sheltered happy lives. We're friends, though. Yuri is almost like family to me - hell, he _is _like family to me. He's like my brother. But not my best friend.

I'm terrified that this feeling is going to make me lose the closest friend I'll ever have. I told him stuff that I never told Yuri or the others, never told my parents...stuff that I didn't even tell Dranzer. And now I can't even have a regular conversation with the guy. As soon as I think I have the answer, as soon as I think that I can fix everything, he says something and I'll be back to square one in a heartbeat.

I let my head fall against the shower wall with a dull thunk, sighing. I turn the water off and climb out, wrapping a rather rough towel around my waist, my hair dripping cold water down my spine. I leave the bathroom, careful not to slip and fall on the chilled tiles like the fool that I am.

In the room Rei and I share, I stand before the mirror attatched to the dresser. My reflection is the same as it always is after a shower: my hair is loose and hanging in my eyes, which seem redder than usual; my skin gives sharp contrast to my now black hair; water is everywhere, and it always seems to be there until I put the clothes on. Then it mysteriously vanishes. Hmm.

I hear the door open and I turn, eyes widening, when I see Rei standing in the doorway, hand over his mouth, _Anna Karenina_ closed in his hand. He blinks, once, twice, three times, before the situation really sets in. I can tell when it does: he flushes a dull red and immediately begins to stammer behind his hand.

"Uh, um, s-sorry...I-I'll go now...b-bye..."

He is gone in the blink of an eye, the door slamming behind him.

I wait for a moment, and then evaluate myself. The feeling is there, although is seems to be always present these days. My heart, however, was beating wildly against my chest, and in the dark room, I wished for his brilliant smile.

_Dammit!_

* * *

A/N In case you didn't get that bit at the end, it goes back to when Kai is ranting about how he doesn't know what the feeling is and why it can't be love. He says, "According to all of the "data" I've collected, the interest's smiles are supposed to "shine brilliantly"; the one with feelings is supposed to have a heart that "beats wildly against the chest" whenever the interest is in range..." 

Which happened. XD

So yeah. Kai's a bit of a lovestruck-doofus in this, although he's in serious denial.

I'm sorry about how different and stupid this is...but I just really felt like writing it...plus I owe **Kitten Koneko**something, since she's been so great to me. So yeah.

- Management


	2. For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

**Denial Isn't a River in Egypt**

_By: Ceriadara_

* * *

All that matters is that I want to reach out and pull him close and never let him go. ...What the HELL?! KaRe shonen-ai, possibly YuBo

* * *

A/N Oh. My. God. 

Nyaaaaaaghmkasdojbfso jasdlknj BLARGH.

Hi there:3

So yeah. I have been having SO MUCH personal shit to sort out it's not even funny. From family health to emotional issues to friends to brothers to enemies to people-who-aren't-enemies-but-aren't-good-friends-at-all. Yeah.

BUT I AM WORKING ON THIS I SWEAR.

Mind you, the school uear is now upon us. Tests and homework and TEACHERS, _oh my_. So I'm giving up my last hour of freedom on this Monday (blech) night to bring this beloved chapter out of my head and onto the screen. If it stays in here any longer I'm afraid I'll break it.

Your most unfavorite author is back! Aren't you _pleased!?_

no? ...Just a simple question. -sniff-

Anyway, onto **Denial**!

- Management

P.S. Dedication, as always, to the lovely **Kitten Koneko**. I'm so sorry I haven't gotten back to you, but I've had so much crap...TT-TT I'm a horrid person and you must smack me with heavy books at the first opportunity. );

* * *

Chapter Two: For A Pessimist, I'm Pretty Optimistic

* * *

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

I know that this is causing a mass genocide somewhere amidst my brain cells, but in my sad state I can't seem to bring myself to care very much.

_Thunk._

"Ow."

Who'd've thought a hotel wall could do so much damage, eh?

Not me. Nope, not Kai.

_Thunk._

"Ow."

My "ow"s are quickly disintegrating into indistinguishable whimpers of self-pity and pain, which rather makes sense as I've been doing this since Rei left..._an hour ago._

**_Thunk_**.

"...Ow."

I think I'm breaking through the sheetrock, or at least making a dent in the oh-so-pretty creme wall. The crown molding came down on my head about a quarter of an hour ago...

I can see it on the floor as I lean my forehead against the wall. It'll probably be bruised tomorrow morning (damn you, Russian heritage!), but Yuri (bless his demonic little heart) taught me some pretty nice concealer tricks. ...See, the Abbey _did_ benefit society!

Well, society meaning me. But still.

I throw myself back onto the mattress, tired of killing my mind. My eyes, I noticed absent (ha!) mindedly, are somewhat unfocused. I wonder if I have a concussion. Wouldn't be the first time I've given myself a head injury.

Hell, it wouldn't even be the first time I purposely injured myself. But that, my friends, is a story that reaches no one's ears but mine. So ha.

The pillow and cool sheets are a rather nice change after that constant wall-banging, and my bruised forehead does not complain as I sink my face into the soft feather pillow. The comforter feels like goose-down, which is wonderful; it's very soft, and I know for a fact that Rei adores it.

_Rei..._

My mind flashes to his face, the dull red flush rushing into his tanned cheeks, his amber eyes widening. His hand against his mouth. That nice, _soft_ mouth...

Mental slap. Keep these thoughts PG.

...Maybe PG-13.

But still.

I mean, he's seen me in a towel before, and he hasn't been all that embarassed. We've gone to hot springs together (where we wore bathing suits, you perverts, get your minds out of the gutter - no, you can leave mine there, thank you).

So what's so different now?

Is it because he feels we're no longer close? To the point where he considers it a horrifying experience to walk in on me in a towel?

...Was I unattractive?

..._Pfffffft._ Yeah, _right_.

Me, unattractive.

HA!

Ahem.

Anyway.

It's not different from seeing me in a bathing suit, and we're still closer than he is with Takao and Blonde. I mean, he's seen Takao's _ding-a-ling_, for God's sake, and even then he didn't turn _that _red. Granted, the pig got into the water a few seconds later, but still. (And fangirls? Hate to disappoint you, but Santa's only got a small package.)

But still.

Why is he such a freaking enigma?

ARGH!

There is only one solution to this...

* * *

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"...Um, Kai?"

"...Yes, Rei?"

"...You do know that that kills brain cells, right?"

"...Yes."

"..."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk._

"Ow."

_Thunk,_

"Ow."

_Th - _

Suddenly, there is a slender, tanned, warm hand between my poor purple forehead and the wall. I look up to find concerned, gentle amber eyes looking down at me, a concerned frown on that beautiful little mouth of his. "You," he declares, taking my hand and leading me to the bed, "are a retard."

He lets go as I sink onto the mattress and turns to survey whatever damaged I have managed to cause. "Jesus, Kai. There's a freaking _dent_ in the wall. How long did you _do _that?"

"...Started right after you left."

"Right after I - _That was two hours ago!_"

"Well, to be fair," I said, "I took a break halfway through."

"_Kai!_"

"No, really."

I hear him sigh, and then the mattress dips. My body rolls down the soft incline and collides with his. My head hurts far too much to comprehend much of anything at the moment, much less to look embarassed. I feel his gentle fingers graze the mottled skin on my forehead, and he sighs again. "Your head hurts? Bad?"

"Yeah."

"...I'll go get you some aspirin and Earl Grey."

"God bless."

* * *

When he returns, he comes baring a few pills, a tube of ointment, some kind of jar, and a cup of Earl Grey tea, balanced precariously in the crook of his arm. I try to move to help, but he shoots me a glare.

"Head on pillow _now_."

"Yes sir." What can I say? When he puts on The Voice, I _listen._ _Without question. **Always.**_

Bad things happen when you don't, you know.

He sets everything down on the table, and gently props my pillows up. "Okay, before you get the meds...how many fingers?"

"Two."

"Now?"

"Three."

"Follow my finger with your eyes."

"..."

"Okay, good. Just lemme take a look with the flash light..."

After I'm blinded, I see him smile. "Good...you don't seem to have a concussion, although you do have some serious bruising. And you kinda shook yourself up. Retard."

"You know you love me."

..._Did he just **blush!?**_

"Take your aspirin, you sadist."

"Yes, Mother."

"If you weren't an invalid I would smack you."

I roll my eyes and immediately stop when my head nearly explodes. "Ow."

"Oh yeah. Don't do that."

I try to glare, but the pounding behind my eyes is too strong, so I just seize the pills and my tea and drink like a madman. I don't like pills very much.

"Alright, you can lie back now."

He opens the jar, and a foul smell fills the room. I wince at the smell, which triggers a wave of pain. I see Rei give me a sympathetic glace. "This is excellent for healing skin cells."

"Great. What the hell does it do to your brain, village boy?"

He shooks me a wry look. "I see the painkillers are working."

"Because I'm back to my usual loving self?"

His laughter bubbles out.

"Yeah. Because you're back to your usual loving self."


End file.
